Image by Dave Lowe
 

The Rankings

In the spring and summer of 2020, we at MAGA’s Most Wanted noticed a major gap in the language of politics. We were limited to generalities about whether a particular politician was good or bad, likeable or unlikeable, competent and honest or mercilessly, ceaselessly, mindbogglingly incompetent and corrupt.

In sports, stats are meticulously calculated and relative performance is judged and rewarded with All-Star Game invitations and MVP votes. Yet in politics we lack the means of comparing one cretinous swamp monster to another.  Until now.

We want these cards to spark conversation and debate about how to rank MAGA’s Most Wanted. Sure, Trump seems like an obvious choice for the Ace of Spades, the worst of the worst, but he’s only been destroying the country for four years, while Mitch McConnell has been at it for decades! Did we fail to recognize the impact of the transparently-evil Steve Bannon by banishing him to the 8s? Could his noxious brand of racial-grievance politics have merited a face card? Who were the biggest snubs? Sure Eric Trump is dumber than a potato dipped in hair gel, but does he matter enough to get his own card? Who would he replace? Did Tom Cotton leapfrog Marco Rubio by saying that slavery was a necessary evil?

 

Like any good bar debate (remember bars?), the answer is unknowable and the argument is the point. Enjoy! 

 

The Aces

Donald Trump
Donald Trump

President of the U.S.

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Bill Barr
Bill Barr

United States Attorney General

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Mitch McConnell
Mitch McConnell

U.S. Senate Majority Leader

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Sean Hannity
Sean Hannity

Fox "News" Personality

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The Kings

Jared Kushner
Jared Kushner
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Stephen Miller
Stephen Miller

Senior Advisor to the President

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Lindsey Graham
Lindsey Graham

U.S. Senator from South Carolina

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Kellyanne Conway
Kellyanne Conway

Counselor to the President

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The Queens

Donald Trump Jr.
Donald Trump Jr.

Executive VP of the Trump Organization

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Mike Pence
Mike Pence

Vice President of the U.S.

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Paul Ryan
Paul Ryan

Fmr Speaker of the House

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Fox & Friends
Fox & Friends

Fox "News" Personalities

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The Jacks

Ivanka Trump
Ivanka Trump

Senior Advisor to the President

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Steve Mnuchin
Steve Mnuchin

U.S. Secretary of the Treasury

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Jim Jordan and Devin Nunes
Jim Jordan and Devin Nunes

U.S. Representatives

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Rush Limbaugh
Rush Limbaugh

Radio Talk Show Host

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The 10s

SCOTUS
SCOTUS
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The EPA
The EPA
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Betsy DeVos
Betsy DeVos

U.S. Secretary of Education

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Wilbur Ross
Wilbur Ross

U.S. Secretary of Commerce

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The 9s

Sarah Huckabee Sanders
Sarah Huckabee Sanders

Fmr White House Press Secretary

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Sean Spicer
Sean Spicer

Fmr White House Press Secretary

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Kayleigh McEnany
Kayleigh McEnany

White House Press Secretary

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Sebastian Gorka
Sebastian Gorka

Fmr Deputy Assistant to the President

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The 8s

Steve Bannon
Steve Bannon

Fmr White House Chief Strategist

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Paul Manafort
Paul Manafort

Chairman of 2016 Trump Campaign

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Julian Assange
Julian Assange

Founder of WikiLeaks

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James Comey
James Comey

Fmr Director of the FBI

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The 7s

Michael Cohen
Michael Cohen

Fmr Personal Counsel to Trump

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Rudy Guilliani
Rudy Guilliani

Personal Counsel to Trump

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Lev and Igor
Lev and Igor

"Associates" of Rudy Giuliani

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Mick Mulvaney
Mick Mulvaney

Fmr Acting White House Chief of Staff

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The 6s

Vladimir Putin
Vladimir Putin

President of Russia

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Favorite Dictators
Favorite Dictators
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The NRA
The NRA

Gun Industry Lobbyist

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Kim Jong Un
Kim Jong Un

Leader of North Korea

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The 5s

Fox News B-Team
Fox News B-Team
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OAN and Sinclair
OAN and Sinclair
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Alex Jones
Alex Jones

Radio Talk Show Host

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Facebook
Facebook

Social Network, Media Company

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The 4s

John Bolton
John Bolton

Fmr National Security Advisor

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Michael Flynn
Michael Flynn

Fmr National Security Advisor

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Jeff Sessions
Jeff Sessions

Fmr U.S. Attorney General

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Mike Pompeo
Mike Pompeo

U.S. Secretary of State

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The 3s

Susan Collins
Susan Collins

U.S. Senator from Maine

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Lisa Murkowski
Lisa Murkowski

U.S. Senator from Alaska

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Ted Cruz
Ted Cruz

U.S. Senator from Texas

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Marco Rubio
Marco Rubio

U.S. Senator from Florida

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The 2s

Roger Stone
Roger Stone

Advisor to Trump

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Joe Arpaio
Joe Arpaio

Fmr Sheriff

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Lorance and Golsteyn
Lorance and Golsteyn

Alleged War Criminals

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Rob Blagojevich
Rob Blagojevich

Fmr Governor of Illinois

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The Jokers

Trump's Alter Egos
Trump's Alter Egos

Fmr Personal Doctor to Trump

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Dr. Harold Bornstein
Dr. Harold Bornstein
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The Snubs

Even with 52 playing cards and two jokers, there simply is not enough room for all the baddies in the Trump orbit. Here's are the stale leftovers.