Image by Dave Lowe
 

The Rankings

In the spring and summer of 2020, we at MAGA’s Most Wanted noticed a major gap in the language of politics. We were limited to generalities about whether a particular politician was good or bad, likeable or unlikeable, competent and honest or mercilessly, ceaselessly, mindbogglingly incompetent and corrupt.

In sports, stats are meticulously calculated and relative performance is judged and rewarded with All-Star Game invitations and MVP votes. Yet in politics we lack the means of comparing one cretinous swamp monster to another.  Until now.

We want these cards to spark conversation and debate about how to rank MAGA’s Most Wanted. Sure, Trump seems like an obvious choice for the Ace of Spades, the worst of the worst, but he’s only been destroying the country for four years, while Mitch McConnell has been at it for decades! Did we fail to recognize the impact of the transparently-evil Steve Bannon by banishing him to the 8s? Could his noxious brand of racial-grievance politics have merited a face card? Who were the biggest snubs? Sure Eric Trump is dumber than a potato dipped in hair gel, but does he matter enough to get his own card? Who would he replace? Did Tom Cotton leapfrog Marco Rubio by saying that slavery was a necessary evil?

 

Like any good bar debate (remember bars?), the answer is unknowable and the argument is the point. Enjoy! 

 

The Aces

Donald Trump
Donald Trump

President of the U.S.

Bill Barr
Bill Barr

United States Attorney General

Mitch McConnell
Mitch McConnell

U.S. Senate Majority Leader

Sean Hannity
Sean Hannity

Fox "News" Personality

 

The Kings

Jared Kushner
Jared Kushner
Stephen Miller
Stephen Miller

Senior Advisor to the President

Lindsey Graham
Lindsey Graham

U.S. Senator from South Carolina

Kellyanne Conway
Kellyanne Conway

Counselor to the President

 

The Queens

Donald Trump Jr.
Donald Trump Jr.

Executive VP of the Trump Organization

Mike Pence
Mike Pence

Vice President of the U.S.

Paul Ryan
Paul Ryan

Fmr Speaker of the House

Fox & Friends
Fox & Friends

Fox "News" Personalities

 

The Jacks

Ivanka Trump
Ivanka Trump

Senior Advisor to the President

Steve Mnuchin
Steve Mnuchin

U.S. Secretary of the Treasury

Jim Jordan and Devin Nunes
Jim Jordan and Devin Nunes

U.S. Representatives

Rush Limbaugh
Rush Limbaugh

Radio Talk Show Host

 

The 10s

SCOTUS
SCOTUS
The EPA
The EPA
Betsy DeVos
Betsy DeVos

U.S. Secretary of Education

Wilbur Ross
Wilbur Ross

U.S. Secretary of Commerce

 

The 9s

Sarah Huckabee Sanders
Sarah Huckabee Sanders

Fmr White House Press Secretary

Sean Spicer
Sean Spicer

Fmr White House Press Secretary

Kayleigh McEnany
Kayleigh McEnany

White House Press Secretary

Sebastian Gorka
Sebastian Gorka

Fmr Deputy Assistant to the President

 

The 8s

Steve Bannon
Steve Bannon

Fmr White House Chief Strategist

Paul Manafort
Paul Manafort

Chairman of 2016 Trump Campaign

Julian Assange
Julian Assange

Founder of WikiLeaks

James Comey
James Comey

Fmr Director of the FBI

 

The 7s

Michael Cohen
Michael Cohen

Fmr Personal Counsel to Trump

Rudy Guilliani
Rudy Guilliani

Personal Counsel to Trump

Lev and Igor
Lev and Igor

"Associates" of Rudy Giuliani

Mick Mulvaney
Mick Mulvaney

Fmr Acting White House Chief of Staff

 

The 6s

Vladimir Putin
Vladimir Putin

President of Russia

Favorite Dictators
Favorite Dictators
The NRA
The NRA

Gun Industry Lobbyist

Kim Jong Un
Kim Jong Un

Leader of North Korea

 

The 5s

Fox News B-Team
Fox News B-Team
OAN and Sinclair
OAN and Sinclair
Alex Jones
Alex Jones

Radio Talk Show Host

Facebook
Facebook

Social Network, Media Company

 

The 4s

John Bolton
John Bolton

Fmr National Security Advisor

Michael Flynn
Michael Flynn

Fmr National Security Advisor

Jeff Sessions
Jeff Sessions

Fmr U.S. Attorney General

Mike Pompeo
Mike Pompeo

U.S. Secretary of State

 

The 3s

Susan Collins
Susan Collins

U.S. Senator from Maine

Lisa Murkowski
Lisa Murkowski

U.S. Senator from Alaska

Ted Cruz
Ted Cruz

U.S. Senator from Texas

Marco Rubio
Marco Rubio

U.S. Senator from Florida

 

The 2s

Roger Stone
Roger Stone

Advisor to Trump

Joe Arpaio
Joe Arpaio

Fmr Sheriff

Lorance and Golsteyn
Lorance and Golsteyn

Alleged War Criminals

Rob Blagojevich
Rob Blagojevich

Fmr Governor of Illinois

 

The Jokers

Trump's Alter Egos
Trump's Alter Egos

Fmr Personal Doctor to Trump

Dr. Harold Bornstein
Dr. Harold Bornstein
 

The Snubs

Even with 52 playing cards and two jokers, there simply is not enough room for all the baddies in the Trump orbit. Here's are the stale leftovers.