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The Rankings
In the spring and summer of 2020, we at MAGA’s Most Wanted noticed a major gap in the language of politics. We were limited to generalities about whether a particular politician was good or bad, likeable or unlikeable, competent and honest or mercilessly, ceaselessly, mindbogglingly incompetent and corrupt.
In sports, stats are meticulously calculated and relative performance is judged and rewarded with All-Star Game invitations and MVP votes. Yet in politics we lack the means of comparing one cretinous swamp monster to another. Until now.
We want these cards to spark conversation and debate about how to rank MAGA’s Most Wanted. Sure, Trump seems like an obvious choice for the Ace of Spades, the worst of the worst, but he’s only been destroying the country for four years, while Mitch McConnell has been at it for decades! Did we fail to recognize the impact of the transparently-evil Steve Bannon by banishing him to the 8s? Could his noxious brand of racial-grievance politics have merited a face card? Who were the biggest snubs? Sure Eric Trump is dumber than a potato dipped in hair gel, but does he matter enough to get his own card? Who would he replace? Did Tom Cotton leapfrog Marco Rubio by saying that slavery was a necessary evil?
Like any good bar debate (remember bars?), the answer is unknowable and the argument is the point. Enjoy!
The Aces
President of the U.S.
United States Attorney General
U.S. Senate Majority Leader
Fox "News" Personality
The Kings
Senior Advisor to the President
U.S. Senator from South Carolina
Counselor to the President
The Queens
Executive VP of the Trump Organization
Vice President of the U.S.
Fmr Speaker of the House
Fox "News" Personalities
The Jacks
Senior Advisor to the President
U.S. Secretary of the Treasury
U.S. Representatives
Radio Talk Show Host
The 10s
U.S. Secretary of Education
U.S. Secretary of Commerce
The 9s
Fmr White House Press Secretary
Fmr White House Press Secretary
White House Press Secretary
Fmr Deputy Assistant to the President
The 8s
Fmr White House Chief Strategist
Chairman of 2016 Trump Campaign
Founder of WikiLeaks
Fmr Director of the FBI
The 7s
Fmr Personal Counsel to Trump
Personal Counsel to Trump
"Associates" of Rudy Giuliani
Fmr Acting White House Chief of Staff
The 6s
President of Russia
Gun Industry Lobbyist
Leader of North Korea
The 5s
Radio Talk Show Host
Social Network, Media Company
The 4s
Fmr National Security Advisor
Fmr National Security Advisor
Fmr U.S. Attorney General
U.S. Secretary of State
The 3s
U.S. Senator from Maine
U.S. Senator from Alaska
U.S. Senator from Texas
U.S. Senator from Florida
The 2s
Advisor to Trump
Fmr Sheriff
Alleged War Criminals
Fmr Governor of Illinois
The Jokers
Fmr Personal Doctor to Trump
The Snubs
Even with 52 playing cards and two jokers, there simply is not enough room for all the baddies in the Trump orbit. Here's are the stale leftovers.
Rep. for Florida
Fox Personality
Fmr Gov. of South Carolina
US Econ. Council
Postmaster General
Senator for Arkansas
Executive VP of the Trump Organization
Fmr WH Comms Director